The reason behind all my depression is that my heart got broken (it was all my fault), then I felt I am so alone, my old friends abandoned me, that my family's just here but my problem's not worth for them to listen to. I see that everybody's got love and I don't. How can I even give love when nobody makes me feel it? Suddenly, I felt that not even my family could help me. That it's only in doing something different that I could cope up with life. Suddenly, I got tired of pleasing my friends. I felt like I need to be needed, too, like how I needed people. It's the only way I can feel that life's still worth living. I got tired of being the intelligent, impressive, active Julie, the vice-less Julie, the geek one, the cheerful and the crybaby, the one believed to be wise in math. It's not that I'm not thankful for being the good one (can't even say i really am GOOD. no i'm not good, just boring...). I just felt like even how good I tried to be, or I am, everybody's gonna leave me in the end. Nobody needs me.
But I'm back. 
After all, those people who made me feel this, I won't let them change me just like that. Past is past, and it's not my problem if they already became a part of my past, and not of my present anymore. Right? Two friends aren't bad at all.
I'm moving on. I'm glad I learned to smoke. I'm glad I drank two bottles of SanMig Light that afternoon.
leave me some comments[ misty reverie ]
Tinamaan na ba talaga ako nun? 2 and 1/4 lang ng San Mig Light yun. It felt so good habang hilo ako. Okay. Alam na ni Ate Tere lahat lahat ng nararamdaman ko... Pero di niya yun sasabihin kahit kanino, dahil alam niyang napakalupet na sikreto yun. SALAMAT ATE TERE.
Somehow, nothing's changed. I'm still how I feel yesterday.
leave me some comments[ 6 cHasEd reality ]
IT'S OVER. I WANNA CHANGE MY LIFE. I'M FED UP WITH EVERYTHING.
NOBODY CARES. WELL, AT LEAST, SOMEONE ASKS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS, BUT THEY'RE ALL GONNA LEAVE ME, TOO. JUST LIKE EVERY FRIEND I KNEW.
I AM NOT ALIVE. I'M DEAD.
I AM SO SORRY FOR MYSELF.
I WAS CHEERFUL. I MADE SOME PEOPLE HAPPY. BUT I CANNOT FEEL THAT I'M ALIVE.
EVERYBODY WILL LEAVE SOMEDAY, TOO. THEY'LL FORGET THAT I WAS ACTUALLY HERE.
leave me some comments[ misty reverie ]
hinahagilap lang kita, noon,
sa bawat ulap ng aking panagninip
sinasalat bawat hugis ng iyong mukha,
kanto ng 'yong mga pisngi't lamig ng iyong labi--
ngayon,
nagtatanda, tumatatak.
leave me some comments[ misty reverie ]
I'm updating my blog again, like before (when I used to be bored with life), so you could pretty notice that's how I am again these days.
So, I'll start...
Why can't I be happy just like others? Things also seem to disturb them, but, at least, they look happy. They can make themselves happy. People can make them happy. And I just don't have these things.
I wish I could go back to the days when my books satisfy my daily life. When toys and games complete my day. When I still have the person I treat as my bestfriend beside me almost everytime. Now, it's just so different. I'm 16 and I want thrill. My bestfriend is far from me, and my HS friends wouldn't even text or call or meet me to ask how I'm doing. It seems that nobody cares anymore, but I can't blame them.
I thought that if I showed them that I cared, they would give back the good act to me. It doesn't work for everybody, I found out. We are all busy with college and as how I knew them, they are the studious type of people who are concentrated with school. They're busy.
IT JUST SUCKS THAT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY - BORED - UNSATISFIED - UNHAPPY.
It's so pathetic that I get inspired with all the incidents. It's so pathetic that after my hopes are raised, it shrinks faster after. It sucks that even if I am decided not to mind it, I still do mind. 
I wanna ask my friends to drink beer with me one of these days, then I'll ask someone to teach me how to smoke cigarette. Then, I'll find someone to watch a movie with me. I don't care if my savings only amount to about Php 300. Money won't make me happy. To kill time is the solution against this boredom. If my HS friends won't even care to ask how I do now, at least, my college friends are there to be my company in all these plans. Maybe, it'll be better if I found people with the same problem with mine. It'll be easier for me...
Then, I'll tell this blog about my experience. How everything turned out. How it felt. How I am after.
Finally, I'll ask forgiveness from my family. But, of course, I won't ask directly, instead, I'll give them back the love they've been giving me.
I am never sure of anything, but I'll try.
leave me some comments[ 2 cHasEd reality ]
- “Kung hindi mo mahal ang isang tao, wag ka nang magpakita ng motibo para mahalin ka niya.”
- “Huwag mong bitawan ang bagay na hindi mo kayang makitang hawak ng iba.”
- “Huwag mong hawakan kung alam mong bibitawan mo lang.”
- “Huwag na huwag ka hahawak kapag alam mong may hawak ka na.”
- “Parang elevator lang yan eh, bakit mo pagsisiksikan ung sarili mo kung walang pwesto para sayo. Eh meron naman hagdan, ayaw mo lang pansinin.”
- “Kung maghihintay ka ng lalandi sayo, walang mangyayari sa buhay mo… Dapat lumandi ka din.”
- “Pag may mahal ka at ayaw sayo, hayaan mo. Malay mo sa mga susunod na araw ayaw mo na din sa kanya, naunahan ka lang.”
- “Hiwalayan na kung di ka na masaya. Walang gamot sa tanga kundi pagkukusa.”
- “Pag hindi ka mahal ng mahal mo wag ka magreklamo. Kasi may mga tao rin na di mo mahal pero mahal ka… Kaya quits lang.”
- “Kung dalawa ang mahal mo, piliin mo yung pangalawa. Kasi hindi ka naman magmamahal ng iba kung mahal mo talaga yung una.”
- “Hindi porke’t madalas mong ka-chat, kausap sa telepono, kasama sa mga lakad o ka-text ng wantusawa eh may gusto sayo at magkakatuluyan kayo. Meron lang talagang mga taong sadyang friendly, sweet, flirt, malandi, pa-fall o paasa.”
- “Huwag magmadali sa babae o lalaki. Tatlo, lima, sampung taon, mag-iiba ang pamantayan mo at maiisip mong hindi pala tamang pumili ng kapareha dahil lang maganda o nakakalibog ito. Totoong mas mahalaga ang kalooban ng tao higit sa anuman. Sa paglipas ng panahon, maging ang mga crush ng bayan nagmumukha ding pandesal, maniwala ka.”
- “Minsan kahit ikaw ang nakaschedule, kailangan mo pa rin maghintay, kasi hindi ikaw ang priority.”
- “Mahirap pumapel sa buhay ng tao. Lalo na kung hindi ikaw yung bida sa script na pinili niya.”
- “Alam mo ba kung gaano kalayo ang pagitan ng dalawang tao pag nagtalikuran na sila? Kailangan mong libutin ang buong mundo para lang makaharap ulit ang taong tinalikuran mo.”
- “Mas mabuting mabigo sa paggawa ng isang bagay kesa magtagumpay sa paggawa ng wala.”
- “Hindi lahat ng kaya mong intindihin ay katotohan, at hindi lahat ng hindi mo kayang intindihin ay kasinungalingan.”
- “Kung nagmahal ka ng taong di dapat at nasaktan ka, wag mong sisihin ang puso mo. Tumitibok lang yan para mag-supply ng dugo sa katawan mo. Ngayon, kung magaling ka sa anatomy at ang sisisihin mo naman ay ang hypothalamus mo na kumokontrol ng emotions mo, mali ka pa rin! Bakit? Utang na loob! Wag mong isisi sa body organs mo ang mga sama ng loob mo sa buhay! Tandaan mo: magiging masaya ka lang kung matututo kang tanggapin na hindi ang puso, utak, atay o bituka mo ang may kasalanan sa lahat ng nangyari sayo, kundi IKAW mismo!”
- “Pakawalan mo yung mga bagay na nakakasakit sa iyo kahit na pinasasaya ka nito. Wag mong hintayin ang araw na sakit na lang ang nararamdaman mo at iniwan ka na ng kasiyahan mo.”
- “Gamitin ang puso para alagaan ang mga taong malalapit sa iyo. Gamitin ang utak para alagaan ang sarili mo.”
- “Ang pag-ibig parang imburnal… nakakatakot mahulog… at kapag nahulog ka, it’s either by accident or talagang tanga ka.”
- "Kaya please lang tama na magising kana wag ng magpakatanga, okay? "
leave me some comments[ 2 cHasEd reality ]
Galing sila sa dakong mandaluyong, patawid ng kalentong papuntang Sta. Ana nang sinabihan ng nagmamaneho ang kanyang kasama. "Buksan mo na lang ang bintana. Tinotopak kasi ang aircon, ayaw umandar. Kahapon pa to e. Isa pa, malakas kain sa gasolina kapag naka aircon."
Sumunod naman ang kaisa-isang pasahero. Manual niyang ibinaba ang bintana ng Toyota RevO na kanilang sinasakyan. Mga higit sa limang taon na rin nilang pinakikinabangan ito.
"Ma, saan tayo sa Christmas?" tanong ng pasahero; na ngayo'y kitang kita na ang kanyang simpleng mukha ng mga tao sa kalsada habang bumabiyahe ang kanilang sasakyan. "Kagaya nung last year." sagot naman ng kanyang mama.
Kahit na mukhang magkapatid lang sila, ang totoo'y mag-ina sila. May kapatid din naman 'tong pasahero; pero sa ngayon, siya lang ang nakasakay sa kanilang maluwang na sasakyan.
"Hindi ba tayo bibisita sa mga lola? Matagal-tagal na rin natin sila hindi nakikita. Kelan na nga ba yung last time?" Napahinto ang kanilang sasakyan sa pagtawid ng isang tricycle na galing sa Hulo. Sabay naman ng cut ng pampasaherong jeep na galing sa terminal nito papuntang Taft. Puno ang jeep at may sumasabit pa.
"Magno Noche Buena tayo kasama ng mga bata. Kakain ng spaghetti, iinom ng wine, ganun."
Umiinit ang araw, patuloy ang pagtakbo ng mga sasakyan. May mga nagmamadali, may mga nahuhuli at meron din mga hiindi kumikilos. Pilit mang mag overtake ng mga jeep sa kanila, wala pa rin makauna kasi kabisado nila ang kalsada. Alam ng nagd-drive kung san liliko at kung saan mabilis ang takbo ng mga sasakyan.
"O pano, susunduin ba kita mamaya o may lakad pa kayo? Friday ngayon, pwede kang gumimik pagkatapos mo." nang makita nila ang Philippine Racing Club. "Hindi na ma, sunduin mo na lang ako agad." sagot naman ng pasahero pagkalampas dito.
At kumaliwa na sila sa kanto ng Kalayaan at Pasong Tamo.
leave me some comments[ misty reverie ]
I tasted a different life.
A life more colorful
than I lived before.
A sweet life with
a little bit of more love,
happiness, inspiration
and momentum.
Slowly now, that life
is going out of my mouth,
out of my plate,
off of my hands.
I'm fed up with it.
The food that would've
made me very happy before.
I'm fed up with it.
Life only gets more boring.
I always want some more.
I always want the most that I could take.
I wanna know that someone needs me.
Wanna know that someone notices me.
Wanna feel loved even just once.
Then, maybe I could use it even after it dies.
I wanna give love, but does someone even need it?
But when it's already there, I'm too afraid to believe.
When it's there, I'm afraid to take the chance.
I wanna know that there's a song written for me...
Someone let me know...
...I'm lifeless, loveless, bored and unhappy, uninspired and unnoticed.
{ felt: } not okay. too bored
leave me some comments[ misty reverie ]